Undercover assignment Köln

My latest foreign assignment promises to be a painful one. Bad enough that I’m going to Cologne – I didn’t think much of it on my last visit – but I’ll be watching Ireland get slaughtered as Germany book their place at the World Cup Friday night.
Speed is imperative for my work. Maybe I should write my match report now...

Ireland defended like lions to thwart Germany’s much-vaunted attack until conceding five goals in the last five minutes as the hosts qualified for Brazil 2014 with a 10-0 win. They scored another five goals in injury time.
The Irish were doing alright, having already repelled 1,278 German advances before the 85th minute, until Thomas Müller – taking a leaf from Thierry Henry’s book – grabbed the ball in midair and simply punched it to the net. The Germans scored another four goals as the Irish protested, and another five after the visitors stormed off the pitch in quiet dignity.
“They may have won but we didn’ fuckinlose,” said the heroic Irish captain, who ended the game with half a leg. “We wuz robbed.”

So I’m being optimistic about our chances. I’ll have to bite my tongue while watching through my fingers lest any of my working colleagues discover I’m Irish. I’ll be wearing a green top for entirely coincidental reasons. Likewise the green face-paint.
Cologne, Cologne, the previous visits were already painful enough. I suppose there’ll be consolation beers afterward. Small ones. This is Small Beer Country with only thimble-sized beers available. As if being Irish in Cologne wasn’t bad enough already.


  1. And even in the Irish pubs the pints are only 0,4l (in Dusseldorf at any rate). Drives me mad but won't stop me quaffing one or several tomorrow night since the monthly meeting of the Deutsche-Irische Gesellschaft happens to be on at the same time as the match, in the same pub we'd all be in anyway. The Germans in the group came up with the hilarious idea that all the Irish would come in German colours and the Germans would wear green. I'm going to wear green and tell them I'm wearing red, black and gold knickers - that should shut a few of them up at least. Best thing about Cologne is that it's such a huge railway hub it's always possible to leave relatively easily. :)

    1. That's if you manage to get your train! Jesus, it's a nightmare.
      Have to say, I much preferred Düsseldorf when I was there.
      Hope you enjoyed your night with the Germans.
      By the way, 0,4l is not a pint, as you know. A pint is 0.568l. I once stormed out of a pub in disgust and left a 0,4l "pint" of Guinness on the bar. Told the barman it wasn't a pint. That was in Munich. Another hole.

    2. Yeah, f'n 0.4L is a right joke. Good on ya for leaving! Give me a real pint. I want a real pint. They have those pissy glasses here in Münster, too. The Guinness tastes f'n shit here, slightly off. At least one place serves Beamish, which is far superior to Guinness anyway.....trouble is, most times I've had it at F24, it tastes off as well. F's sake. But what's worse? A slimline small glass of Kölsch. Bahhh.


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