Bahn banditos strike again

Fuckers stole my phone last night. Same story as the last time - feel asleep on the S-Bahn home. I blame Deutsche Bahn for making the carriages so comfortable. I was wrecked after a long week's work, and woke up totally disorientated at Botanischer Garten, about 700 stops after mine, to find my phone had disembarked before me.
Again, they took it from my back pocket, so I was actually sitting on it at the time, listening to the phone's mp3 player. That didn't put them off; they simply unplugged the cable and took it from under my arse as I snoozed above it, dreaming dreams of dreams I hope will come true. Again, I must have been snoring.
A couple of gobshites were laughing at me as I searched fruitlessly under the seat and in the aisle in case I dropped it. Probably the fuckers who stole it. As I was searching I realised my wallet absconded with the phone- I guess the two of them had been making eyes at each other behind my backside all along - and so about €30, my bank cards, train tickets and press pass are gone too. So, no money and no phone. Scheiße.
It was a long frustrating wait on a lonely S-Bahn platform for the train to bring me back the way I'd come, the realisation of what happened manifesting itself like avoidable unavoided when it's too late. I didn't fall asleep when it eventually did show up, but looked out the window at darkness as I pondered a parting sudden and unforeseen. I hadn't even time to say goodbye.
Email is the best way to contact me for now.


  1. When you look at the grain on the bristles on ze toothbrush, shoe size and shirt size reads ‘M’
    Yes? Sorry Ya? Etch nine?
    Dude the ‘M’ is for Muppet...mine reads ‘S’ ,,which stands for sexy, seriously, sensational, super, surreptitiously, superluxuriousomnidirectionalwhatchamacallit, how many blowers have let go into the universe...its either the auld rucksack [oh I fell asleep and when I woke up in satzunbrow, it was GONE, magic!] must be 4 of em by now homeless, lost, confused, or the blowers...remember when you were a nipper und momma had to tie a piece of string from one woolly glove weave it about you to the other glove? I'm afraid we’re going to have to bring back that technology dude...
    This shit costs money dude?

  2. dude, runnners are on wing dude

    at last 7-10 days

    damn vikings

  3. You're right man. M is for Muppet, but even a Muppet should be able to sit on his ass on a train without having his wallet and phone snatched from under him. Ah well, shit happens, both good and bad, and if it was any other way we'd be bored. Although, you're right, these things just seem to be abandoning me at a rate which suggests they know something I don't. And no, I'm not talking about German which I see you've become proficient at - S is for Schnitzel which you're becoming through Deutschmosis whether you like it or not.
    Good to hear about the shoes. Your number plate for your Tongan buddy is sitting beside me here. A fine number plate it is too, especially if he's born in 1964. Ask no questions be told no lies. Will be winging its way across the great ocean once the shoes arrive. As long as I manage to get some money from somewhere in the meantime...

  4. Fuck. Sorry about that. I hope it wasn't the whisky that caused it.

  5. Whiskey Schmisky. Was it not Glenfiddich?

  6. the map at the top looks like an abstract mickey


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